Run it like a business, I thought to myself. And why not? I’ve got the next couple of weeks free and it would be fun to meet as many guys as possible during this time to really end summer with a bang (no pun intended, of course!) So, over the run of the next week, I will have had no less than 10 first dates. Similar to reality shows like The Bachelor, where the bloke starts with 10 girls and whittles them away by giving his preferred choices roses, I too have been doling out the metaphorical flora. It goes like this: We meet, if we click then it’s on to a second date. If not they are out. By the third date, I’m fairly sure they’ll be competent enough to make it to the fall. Unless of course they are bumped by one who particularly stands out from the rest of the lot. Come September I plan cull the crew to a handful of handsome hopefuls – a girl doesn’t need to be greedy, after all! Those of whom remain should be able to take me through the long dark winter of Vancouver’s wet coast. By the time New Year’s comes about, I hope to be making some major headway with at least 1 or 2 of the survivors. That’s my six month plan. I’ve come this far in life and relationships without much foresight into what I really want. This time, it’s about meeting certain criteria, not settling for anything less than fantastic and, as Melanie Griffith so aptly put it, having “a head for business and a body for sin”.
Coffee date. First meeting. Kits Coffee House 4th Ave. He’s sitting outside on the patio drinking an iced tea. I approach and immediately recognize him from his pictures. He’s wearing sunglasses, jeans and a nice shirt. ”Marvin! Nice to meet you,” as I lean in for a hug. Nice smile, good skin, pleasant manner, but not sure about the eyes as the sunglasses have not come off. It’s sunny, I suppose. I order a smoothy (and pay) and we chat over our drinks. The conversation flows, but he has yet to make actual eye contact. Apparently, the sunnies are a permanent fixture. Then he gets a call (which he answers) and I excuse myself to the washroom. He suggests we walk down 4th and window shop. Great. At least now we are moving and I don’t have to stare blankly into his black, reflective bug eyes. We walk two blocks and then he says, “Well, I don’t want to take up too much more of your time. Should we head back?” Hold on a sec….we met just 25 minutes ago, he hasn’t taken his sunglasses off to look at me directly, he got the phone call, and now he’s suggesting that he is taking up my time? Is this an easy let down, a quick escape, an SOS, a plan B? Is he giving me the “Brush Off”? I’m shocked and a little amused. This hasn’t happened before, or rather, it’s usually the other way round! Could it really be that he is just not that into me? I’m no egotist, but I find that hard to believe! I’ve been charming, cute, outgoing, funny….what’s not to like? I’m casual, elegant, nonchalant. “Sure, I’ve got another appointment I have to get to anyway.” He gives me his card. Smiles (mouth only, I still can’t see his eyes) and turns on his heel. Urban myths surrounding dating abound, but my first encounter with the infamous brush off is for real!
So what does “Back In the Game” really mean? Dating? Casual Sex? One Night Stands? Serial Short Term Monogamy? Hunting Down Mr. Right? I suppose I have to define my terms and write my own rules – but what are they? What happens if I am dancing with my “snuggle-buddy” but then get some totally amazing eye contact followed by a slow, sexy smile from the bartender, complete with a neck tattoo, over the shoulder of my dance partner? What’s the protocol? My buddy is nice, but this guy is HOT! My s-b has got his hands all over me but all I want to do is hop the bar and lick that raw sex tatty! Yikes! Social decorum must come into play somehow – it’s rude to leave one guy you’re dancing with and stick your tongue down another’s throat just because the moment moves you… right? On the other hand, I’ve just left a dried up, dead and blown away relationship and I need some F-U-N! I suppose bad behaviour can never really be excused, though- but really I’m so horny, I almost can’t reel myself in at times…and should I have to? Life is for living, seize the moment, live for the now, don’t look back (hmm how many other overused, tired metaphors can I cram in here?) But the point is that I don’t want to sacrifice any more of my precious time on ventures that don’t entirely captivate me. And captivated I wish to be! Maybe that should be my first rule: If you’re captivated move ahead one space, if not, miss a turn.
Out of one bed and into another in the same weekend! My girlfriends think I have some SuperGirl power to attract cute, available and nice guys – but really how can I say “no” after two months of zero action from one emotionally bereft boyfriend? So this weekend I moved out of the shared apartment and the cold, lonely bed (read: emotionally bereft boyfriend MIA for the past 4 weeks) and happily accepted an invitation to join warmer climes. Slipping under the covers with a new body isn’t the easiest thing to do after three and a half years of blissful monogamy – but after a night of dancing, pink martinis and a cigarette with kick…well, let’s just say for this newly single girl, it was the perfect combination! The details? In short, fantastically amazing! He was There For Me All Night Long and it was nothing like I’ve ever experienced before! It was as if he already knew his way around my body, he knew just what to do and when and for how long. Delerious hours seemed to pass and every time I thought we were ready to actually sleep, he’d turn to me, fully and completely ready to go again! I was tumbled, tossed and turned inside out. And in the morning – I felt like a polished penny with a big shiny smile…outward appearances notwithstanding (this is what I remember as being one of the many small tribulations that being single, and “active” encompasses: having to look sexy upon waking without a hint of morning breath, smudged mascara or anything else to detract from your complete and utter fuckability. Does this still hold once your passed thirty? Is there some forgiveness achieved in knowing and respecting the human factor? I’m not sure – all I do know is that it’s time to buy some new lingerie, makeup and a pair of sexy shoes because I’m back in the game!
Dear Blog,
Sunday morning. Usually my favourite day of the week: sleeping late, making love, waffles, walks on the beach…. Today it’s just me, cold toast and Corinne Bailey Rae. But thank god for girlfriends! Last night we got into some good, old fashioned “girls rock, guys suck” over wine, sushi and tears. Totally cathartic! Still, I can’t help but feeling a bit deceived. However – I’ve decided that this is not going to be one long pity party. I’m moving on. It’s only been a couple of days since the shit hit the fan, but I’ve already got another apartment lined up. I haven’t really given myself the luxury of thinking that he will change his mind. But if he does? Do I really want someone to “give” me a child when he has no interest himself? I don’t want to be a single mom a few years down the road (Power to all those who are!) because he wakes up and decides this life isn’t for him. And further – he’s not even interested that much in travelling, my passion above all passions! He told me he feels like a “piece of dead meat being dragged about the world” whenever we travel. I managed to get him to India but he hated it after 2 weeks and wanted to come home and I could have stayed months longer! How can one reconcile those types of differences? Not to mention the deal breaker of not wanting a family! I think I’ve got to give my head a shake and realize that this guy may not have ever been the one. God, that’s depressing! I’ve been through this so many times before and you’d think that I would be able to at least recognize the signs of a relationship going down in flames. Now I’m on damage control after the crash and burn. Fuck!
I think I need some time in Thailand or a trip to the Grand Canyon or a month in the south of France. But a quick fix me up will have to do for now – I’m going shopping ~ a little retail therapy always does a girl good!
Signing off,
G4 AKA GoGoGadgetGirl
Dear Blog,
Last night I dreamt that I was bargaining and pleading with my boyfriend to agree to have just one child, at least. I awoke this morning to sunshine and birds and realized that no matter how hard you try you can’t make a dog grow elephant tusks. I think I might just have to accept that this relationship is done. Having children was the deal breaker when we first got together 3 ½ years ago – and he agreed – at that time he wanted them, too. I know people change their minds (I change mine constantly) but this is a big one. Fuck! How dare he lead me on for all this time, postponing “start dates” and not agreeing in full to anything! We were supposed to start “trying” in July. He leaves it until now to tell me! AAARRGG! No balls or backbone, that one!
Onwards and Upwards!
Signing off,
G4 AKA GoGoGadgetGirl
Dear Blog,
Working today felt like forever. The end of the day couldn’t come fast enough. For most of the day I was able to keep my thoughts about “what’s next?” at bay – I did this by working through lunch, becoming completely immersed to the point of obsession in the task at hand and filling in the quiet moments with menial activities. The prize for my diligent mind control? Coming home to an empty house with note left on the kitchen table:
“Thought we could use a few days apart. I’m staying with a friend.”
God, I don’t know if my stomach can handle the stress! Never in my wildest did I think that it would be him leaving me. He did, however, give me an ultimatum last night: let’s live together and be happy or we can split up because you want a family. I don’t take to ultimatums very well. I know that if I stay with him and lie to myself about wanting to start a family, my desire to become pregnant will only become more resolute. Then again, if I leave, and I can’t imagine starting up again with somebody else so soon – how long until the next one (if there is a next one) decides the time is right? I’m past 30, how much time have I got?
My gypsy soul tells me to pack my bags and head out into the world. That’s how it’s always worked for me. A relationship ends and I invariably end up leaving the country. The last time took me to Korea for 2 years. But I’ve changed, I’ve settled a bit and I’ve got an eye on the future like I’ve never had before. The thought of going through life with no children makes me shudder.
I think I’ll take a bubble bath, read some manga and phone mom. Maybe after the weekend things will be a little more clear.
Signing off,
G4 AKA GoGoGadgetGirl
