In the continual pursuit for it, I’ve realized that it’s all about letting it go. Letting it ALL go. When I can simply pull the plug on my thoughts, expectations and anticipation and let everything swirl down the drain – it happens. Chasing it down, having a goal and being success-driven misses the point entirely. It’s all about enjoying the process. And when it does come, it comes BIG. I am, of course, talking about the elusive female orgasm. The one that is not supposed to have a biological purpose but because women do, it has puzzled scientists (who must be all men). The elusivity of my own, however, has puzzled me in recent months. After a huge emotional break up seven months ago, I’ve been chasing the big O like some pursue double chocolate cheese cake. What I’ve discovered is that when my mind is not ready – my body is not ready either. One cannot act without consent from the other. A shame really, when men can so easily divide up the connection with ease. Jumping into bed with a stranger will never bring about the desired results for me…and I end up mentally chasing something that won’t physically exist until I let go the chase and bring my mind and body together for the event. Being in love, helps. So, finally, and with regularity, I am coming! Coming instead of chasing. After more than 15 years of being sexually active, I’ve figured out a little bit more about me.

After two months of hard core trying, it happened! And OMG – it was worth the wait (well, almost)! A combination of dirty talk, the right place, the right pressure and the fact that I finally admitted to myself how much I actually cared for my lover brought the religion out of me for the first time in a long while. Thinking back on my whole bank of sexual experiences (I’ve had a lot) I can’t seem to recall ever having an orgasm with a one night stand, a friend with benefits or somebody I didn’t really love. It took me two whole months to sort out my feelings for my tall Indian lover – coincidentally, it took the same amount of time to “reach my peak of desire”. But having climbed that fence once, I’m now running free in the field on the other side! Contrary to popular belief (mine included) my lover needn’t be hung like a water buffalo to satisfy his darling. Coming had more to do with how I felt about him rather than how he felt inside of me. The physically stuff is great – no misunderstandings, but the spiritual, the mental, the untouchable aspect of having sex, or in my case making love, is when the amazing things happen. And like just like anyone who has had a religious experience, I’m now a confirmed believer: size is not all that matters!

It’s been two months of being with the same lover and I have yet to achieve an orgasm. Without pointing fingers or intimating blame, I have to confess that this is unusual, even for myself. It does take me awhile to get turned on to the point of orgasm and it usually involves several different techniques including, but not limited to kissing, nipple licking (mine, not his), manual stimulation (mine, not his) and hitting at least two of my erogenous zones: back of the shoulder, behind the knee, and lower back. Between his rapid rabbit like style of thrust and my neediness of attention to the finer details, coming has been a challenge – not for the lack of trying, however. My lover and I enjoy a healthy sex life with regards to frequency. Quantity is not an issue – it’s the Quality that has got me a bit concerned. I’m not sure he feels the same way as both his Qs are on par. I have mentioned this seemingly inconsequential fact to him and his response was this: “Whenever you’re ready, baby”. I was ready! So ready in fact, that after he finished in the typical style and form (and fell asleep), I indulged in a bit of self-love… and came in about two seconds! Why can’t he do that for me? Perhaps I’ve got to become a better communicator in the bedroom, or perhaps he needs a map, a book on “how to”, and a good dose of Ritalin! Whatever it may be, the frustrating question isn’t whether or not to come but rather when the hell is it going to happen?