Dear Blog,

Sunday morning. Usually my favourite day of the week: sleeping late, making love, waffles, walks on the beach…. Today it’s just me, cold toast and Corinne Bailey Rae. But thank god for girlfriends! Last night we got into some good, old fashioned “girls rock, guys suck” over wine, sushi and tears. Totally cathartic! Still, I can’t help but feeling a bit deceived. However – I’ve decided that this is not going to be one long pity party. I’m moving on. It’s only been a couple of days since the shit hit the fan, but I’ve already got another apartment lined up. I haven’t really given myself the luxury of thinking that he will change his mind. But if he does? Do I really want someone to “give” me a child when he has no interest himself? I don’t want to be a single mom a few years down the road (Power to all those who are!) because he wakes up and decides this life isn’t for him. And further – he’s not even interested that much in travelling, my passion above all passions! He told me he feels like a “piece of dead meat being dragged about the world” whenever we travel. I managed to get him to India but he hated it after 2 weeks and wanted to come home and I could have stayed months longer! How can one reconcile those types of differences? Not to mention the deal breaker of not wanting a family! I think I’ve got to give my head a shake and realize that this guy may not have ever been the one. God, that’s depressing! I’ve been through this so many times before and you’d think that I would be able to at least recognize the signs of a relationship going down in flames. Now I’m on damage control after the crash and burn. Fuck!

I think I need some time in Thailand or a trip to the Grand Canyon or a month in the south of France. But a quick fix me up will have to do for now – I’m going shopping ~ a little retail therapy always does a girl good!

Signing off,

G4 AKA GoGoGadgetGirl

Dear Blog,

Last night I dreamt that I was bargaining and pleading with my boyfriend to agree to have just one child, at least. I awoke this morning to sunshine and birds and realized that no matter how hard you try you can’t make a dog grow elephant tusks. I think I might just have to accept that this relationship is done. Having children was the deal breaker when we first got together 3 ½ years ago – and he agreed – at that time he wanted them, too. I know people change their minds (I change mine constantly) but this is a big one. Fuck! How dare he lead me on for all this time, postponing “start dates” and not agreeing in full to anything! We were supposed to start “trying” in July. He leaves it until now to tell me! AAARRGG! No balls or backbone, that one!

Onwards and Upwards!

Signing off,

G4 AKA GoGoGadgetGirl

Dear Blog,

Working today felt like forever. The end of the day couldn’t come fast enough. For most of the day I was able to keep my thoughts about “what’s next?” at bay – I did this by working through lunch, becoming completely immersed to the point of obsession in the task at hand and filling in the quiet moments with menial activities. The prize for my diligent mind control? Coming home to an empty house with note left on the kitchen table:

“Thought we could use a few days apart. I’m staying with a friend.”

God, I don’t know if my stomach can handle the stress! Never in my wildest did I think that it would be him leaving me. He did, however, give me an ultimatum last night: let’s live together and be happy or we can split up because you want a family. I don’t take to ultimatums very well. I know that if I stay with him and lie to myself about wanting to start a family, my desire to become pregnant will only become more resolute. Then again, if I leave, and I can’t imagine starting up again with somebody else so soon – how long until the next one (if there is a next one) decides the time is right? I’m past 30, how much time have I got?

My gypsy soul tells me to pack my bags and head out into the world. That’s how it’s always worked for me. A relationship ends and I invariably end up leaving the country. The last time took me to Korea for 2 years. But I’ve changed, I’ve settled a bit and I’ve got an eye on the future like I’ve never had before. The thought of going through life with no children makes me shudder.

I think I’ll take a bubble bath, read some manga and phone mom. Maybe after the weekend things will be a little more clear.

Signing off,

G4 AKA GoGoGadgetGirl

Dear Blog,

So he told me last night. He doesn’t want to have kids – after 3 1/2 years of thinking he did, he changed his mind. He doesn’t want them so much so that he can’t bring himself to have sex with me for fear that I accidentally might get pregnant. What now? I love him and have invested over 3 years of my very precious, clock- ticking time with him all the while assuming that he wanted to start a family. At 32, I don’t want to be single again and looking. Guys seem to know when you’re “one of those baby crazy women” just looking for the first squirt of sperm to come their way.  And I desperately don’t want to be one of “those”. I thought I’d found him, the him that would see us through thick and thin, all of life. To confound the issue further – he says that he loves me so much that he only wants life to be the two of us. To take care only of each other. Babies not invited. To give him credit, he’s the best, most solid guy I’ve ever been with and I’ve had my share (I won’t go into detail about the 4 previous engagements). And I could see us growing old together – just not alone. But having a family for me isn’t that easy of a decision either. I’m a gypsy at heart and rarely stay put anywhere for any length of time. This, I realize, wouldn’t be the ideal situation to raise a child. Also, I’ve just embarked upon a career that I love. I’m a true “professional” and I’m not so sure I’m ready to give the career world up just as soon as I’ve entered it. But the clock is ticking and like some sort of automaton, I’ve got to obey. I can’t ignore it.

Confused and cried out,

G4 (AKA GoGoGadgetGirl)